by David Hendrickson
We’ve all seen the show “17 Kids and Counting”, and now the Duggars have 18 kids. That was a completely useless piece of information, but I wanted to write it just so that people can’t feed their constant need to correct stupid little inconsistencies. Anyways, this family is awesome. They are extremely conservative religious types: meaning that they seem completely happy and content, and yet you still wonder when they’re going to murder their neighbors.
I was recently on TLC’s website to do a little research on the family and the couple who started the wonderful freak show, and I found a list of marriage tips from the husband and father, Jim Bob Duggar. I read through these tips and was like, “Wow, this guy sure knows how to run a family and have a great marriage. I intend on practicing the same tips when I‘m married.” So I thought that I would share the list with you:
10. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath. If you have any conflicts, be sure to resolve them by telling your wife that you are better than she is, and that she better do what you say or else. Because we all know that a successful marriage depends on a completely sexist patriarchal system. Men get stuff done, and that’s all there is to it.
9. The closer a husband and wife get to God, the closer they get to each other. The farther away they get from God, the more you gotta keep that ho in line.
8. Establish a weekly date night dedicated to going out together….and getting groceries for her to make you a steak dinner complete with mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade butter beer.
7. The husband should cherish his wife and show her he loves her by being respectful of her….ability to do laundry and clean the house before you get home. Then she must drop everything she’s doing and serve you. The one who makes the dough, gets served by the ho.
6. The husband should show his wife he loves her by opening the passenger door for her and keeping the car keys away from her. We all know what happens when women drive.
5. Ask your wife what home improvement projects are important to her, and make sure she and the kids get them done!
4. Learn to listen to the heart of your wife and allow her to communicate her concerns and dreams with you on a daily basis….and then tell her how stupid those concerns and dreams are. Women should not think, they should get back to the kitchen since dinner is in an hour and you’re really hungry.
3. Scold your wife and kids 10 times more than you lecture them. This gives them something to look forward to every once and a while after questioning your infinite authority.
2. Respect each other. Just make sure she respects you a little more.
1. Be fruitful and multiply. Because that wood pile isn’t getting any smaller.
So whether you're newly married or plan on getting married someday, these tips can help save your marriage and keep you in control of your creepy cult of a family.
