by Dean Dahlgren
I light of Thursday’s Supreme Court ruling in Boumediene v. Bush, I propose I rewrite of Steve McQueen’s epic movie of the largest allied “escape” from Germany. The story reads:.
After massive failures and morale at an all time low, Allied prisoners were ready to give it up and sit out the war. “I couldn’t get the X Organization to even come to our monthly meetings, whined Squadron Leader Roger Bartlett, "Big X", “even with Hilts’ Moonshine on the menu.”
“Dig three more tunnels,” moaned Flight Lt. Danny Velinski, "The Tunnel King", “that’ll be the day. Sixteen for me is quite enough thank you.”
That was until Flight Lt. Hendley, "The Scrounger", while trying to scare up some civilian identity cards in the camp library, came across an obscure provision in Constitution of Aryan Rights. Always fast talking Hedley was able to convince his captors that the enemies of the Fatherland had the right of habeas corpus. With the help of their pro bono attorney, Wilhelm von Kunstler, the boys of X Org filed their petitions.
In a stinging rebuke to Der Fehurer’s anti-terror policies, Supreme Magistrate Anton von Krugerdy, writing for the 5-4 high court majority, acknowledged that while the US and Great Britain continue to threaten the Fatherland — the “justification” for the detentions —he declared, "The laws and Constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times."
And what’s not extraordinary about war.
When asked how they were able to achieve such a coup, second chair Pvt. 2nd Class, Joe Biden, a skilled jurist at home but deemed unfit for command, he replied, “I said ‘Listen, Herr Field Marshall, if you grant us constitutional protection here, I’m sure my comrades back home will do the same for your fellow Nazis. Persuaded by the sheer force of my argument, he chuckled that such a logical and humane idea had simply never occurred to him before.”
“He even promised to stop the torture and summary executions here as soon as I could guarantee the same type of treatment had been halted by the Allies.”
The administration set up the prison camp system shortly after the September 3 1938, declaration of war to hold enemy combatants, people “suspected” of ties to Great Britain and France, then later enlarged to include most of Western Civilization.
Opponents bristled at thought of releasing enemy combatants while the country was at war. “Even though the enemy has not surrendered and claims to have plans in the works to attack German soil, we have already released over half of those originally captured. The rest are held “on suspicion of terrorism or links to the British, Russians or Americans. Already 30 of those released have been recaptured on the battlefield!”
In a blistering dissent, Supreme Magistrate Antonin Schellia said the decision "will make the war harder on us. It will almost certainly cause more Germans to be killed."
Those folks were released without the opportunity to prove their innocence. “The idea that I would turn around and kill more Germans on the battlefield after ya’ll have shown me the courtesy of due process, would be bad form and more than a little tacky”, exclaimed Captain Hilts, “The Cooler King”
Von Krugerdy said the federal judges should derive their own ad hoc standards for judging habeas petitions; even though the Fascist Intelligence Service Administration (FISA) Court was set up to handle national security and intelligence matters over which these judges were deemed ill-equipped to preside.
Some of the prisoners’ lawyers said hearings could take place within a few months. But James Cohen, a Berlin University law professor who has two clients in the prison camp, predicted Der Fehurer would continue seeking ways to resist the ruling. "Nothing is going to happen until a new supreme dictator takes office,” Cohen said. Mr. Cohen was then brought out to the alley and shot for being a Jew.
The lawyer for Sasha Achim Hamdanovich, Stalin’s one-time driver, said he would seek dismissal of the charges against his client based on the new ruling. He asserts that his client was merely swept up in the post-conflict Axis dragnet. He was just an innocent bystander … with an AK-47 for personal protection.”
The prison has been harshly criticized at home and abroad for the detentions themselves and the “aggressive” interrogations and summary executions that were conducted there. The neutral nations of Switzerland, Sweden and Norway (now protected by Nazi SS storm troopers) are starting to lose respect for Germany, whine Joe Goebbels, Minister for Public Enlightenment and Propaganda.
Supreme Magistrate Johann von Robbentrop, in his own dissent to Thursday's ruling, criticized the majority for striking down what he called "the most generous set of procedural protections ever afforded aliens detained by this country.” We gave them tools for gardening and seed to grow their own vegetables. And I hear that an American Capt was allowed his baseball and glove in the cooler!
Supreme Magistrate Dietrich von Souter wrote a separate opinion in which he emphasized the length of the detentions.
"A second fact insufficiently appreciated by the dissents is the length of the disputed imprisonment; some of the prisoners represented here today having been locked up for six years," von Souter said. “Why that’s the entire length of the war!”
“I've been in the bag nearly three years now, bloody close to being wire-happy.” Exclaimed Flying Officer Archibald “Archie” Ives, "The Mole",” It was blitz out or throw me’self on the fence.”
Archie’s mood improved markedly when he heard of Hedley’s legal escape plan. “I’m made eleven attempts. Four over and seven under but his will be my first through the courts!”
The court was forced to rule twice before this that people held in camps without charges can go into civilian courts to force the government to justify their continued detention. But each time, the administration and Reichstag, then controlled by Social Republicans, changed the law to slam the courthouse doors in the faces of detainees.
It’s about time,” cried Flight Lt. Colin Blythe, "The Forger", “a fellow could go blind waiting for the enemy to get his act together!
“I am happy for zee prisoners”, commented Komandant Colonel von Luger, who has come to like and respect his charges over the years. “I just hope that we soldiers who fight and die for the Fatherland might one day be able to gain equal rights to these.”
