A fiction by John F. Di Leo -
It has been revealed that the reason most of the candidates for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination decided to skip the annual AIPAC event in March, long a standard stop for major candidates of both parties, is their decision to instead attend an afternoon tea in a Chicago nursing home.
The 2020 nomination is expected to be a particularly tight race, as almost every Democratic voter in the country is already seeking the nomination.
The only two remaining Democrats in America who are not themselves running for president, Mrs. Mabel Teagarden and Mrs. Hattie Seabiscuit, realizing their unique situation, decided to host an afternoon tea, at which all the presidential nominees can make the case for their endorsement.
“Well, to tell you the truth,” Mrs. Teagarden answered, when asked why she wanted to host such a forum, “The Republicans have been identified with tea ever since that Tea Party movement started up a few years ago. Hattie and I thought it would be nice if we sort of ‘reclaimed the tea’ for the Democrats.”
“Oh yes,” continued Mrs. Seabiscuit, “when we were little girls, our mothers would host afternoon teas for the aldermanic candidates. They used to walk precincts in those days, you know… they didn’t usually have those electronic restraining devices the courts make them wear nowadays, keeping them in jail, or restricting them to stay within 50 feet of their ward offices.”
“… and at least a thousand feet away from schools,” added Mrs. Teagarden.
Mrs. Seabiscuit continued. “…and the precinct captain’s bagman would actually show up at your house to collect the donations, in those days, so that your garbage would be picked up, and your street would be plowed in the winter. Nowadays they make you contribute to their campaigns online if you want your basic city services. It’s all so impersonal.”
“Tell me about it!” said Mrs. Teagarden. “Why, the last time I saw my alderman in person was when I went to give him a coffee cake during visiting hours at Stateville.”
Mrs. Teagarden and Mrs. Seabiscuit turned their attention back to the present when asked why they had decided to buck the trend, and not run for president themselves, like all of their friends.
“Well, sir, it’s like this,” said Mrs. Teagarden. “Hattie and I have been best friends all our lives, ever since we were little girls on the north side. We realized that if we ran for president like everyone else, then we’d really be running against each other. We couldn’t do that!”
Asked how they expected to fit the 61 million Democrat candidates in the nursing home’s common room at the same time, they smiled and replied almost in unison, “Oh, it’s a big room. And we’re splitting it up into two sessions, one on Tuesday and one on Wednesday. So that’s only 30 million each.”
They also had a ready answer when asked how they could possibly afford tea and snacks for such a crowd. Mrs. Seabiscuit said “Oh, we thought we’d make it a pot luck. All the candidates can bring their own favorite recipe to share – coffee cake, crumpets, muffins, whatever. That way, all we have to do is brew the tea!”
A reporter asked if they had considered what would happen if Mrs. Teagarden and Mrs. Seabiscuit didn’t come to agreement, and each one picked a different candidate from out of the 61 million contenders. Mrs. Seabiscuit nodded her head. “No problem. There’ll just be a runoff. That’s what the convention is for, after all!”
Mrs. Teagarden sighed and sat back in her easy chair. “Oh, wouldn’t that be nice. A lively convention. Just like in the good ol' days.”
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Copyright 2019 John F. Di Leo
John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based Customs broker and trade compliance trainer, writer and actor. His columns are regularly found in Illinois Review.
This is a work of fiction; any similarity to any actual Democratic voter is sheer coincidence. No actual tea party attendees were harmed in the writing of this piece of satire.
